Moderation

Vanish

In the depth of the water surrounding my lungs

As I choke with admiration

From the sight

Of your hand

Touching mine

And I tremble from the cold and

The could have been’s in the past

And I stutter

Poke my nose

And ask for a lighter

Instead I hand you my confession

Of a feeling in my stomach for the world

Is in redemption from betrayal and destruction

As long as you hold my hand

We create such a distraction

To you: I write in an abnormal manner

I can’t pick the words to torture

Your old heart with laudation

Yet I give you my affection

And compassion and reflection

In the mirror so you can see the flaws that I equally applaud when your head’s got a concussion

Yet you give me all your love and I breathe in satisfaction

For the could’ve been’s are lost

And there’s only you that matters.

Clean your room.

We exist

I am a clone

Of my past selves I’ve upgraded with condolences and grief

I’ve grown into this body a thief

Of habits and language I’ve learned from another

And on another dimension

I’m still

A memory of your mistakes and relief

I’ve felt when I broke out of the change you’ve tried to put me through and words you speak and tears I’ve kept alongside

Open your trunk and look for the spare wheel you kept in hidden covered with a cotton blanket and replace

The illusion of another in your guidance

I’m gasping for air for you’ve left me deflating and rot and I rot and

i lie to protect all the time I’ve still got In this prison and you bring me paranoia and delusion

I’m telling on you

I’m gonna spit it word to word and the world will listen and my dad’s gonna throw at me a million dollars to keep my mouth shut

All this absence of narcotics makes me truthful

And I’m caught

I’ve cut myself

In cash

Or card?

Belittle me I dare you

I won’t back down from the things I want to know of

From the things that still have substance

From the things that make you and I so different

From the things that make me whole and create a definition

And a label

I am a clone of my past selves I’ve tried to kill

I am a clone of what you’ve labeled as your biggest fear

For I shall never wear a mask and you shall never ask me to

Spectrum

Letter

Written in golden ink

On a black page

Stay with me

I’m despicably disgusted

By your handwriting and spelling

The loathing i face while i read your words

And resist the temptation to spit on your mouth as i gather the slightest of thought

Of penetration i can get

And sense

In this ambiguity

Stay with me

I saw you taking the pen in your hand with such enthusiasm

Thinking you can predict the catastrophic truth that has to happen

Eliminate my mind affliction with a simple

Stomped condition

Pause the breathing in your lungs and take a rest

Stay with me

The first word that you wrote looked like an

Atrocity

Filled with so much regret and later on i figured

Trying to decorate my head by understanding the anomaly of your calligraphy

It was my name in ink on paper

I was trying to remember

Stay with me

I’m not alone now and I’m happily confronting misery you put

Into the letters that you never wrote and never sent to me

Stay with me

For you’re the most beguiling memory

That burnt my insides

Let them rot

And changed my whole anatomy

Female Energy

Hair dye and ink

And heels and bailing

On life matter for a yacht that’s sailing

It’s taste, it’s sound, it’s visual humiliation

Of a girl who’s born without

A sense of liberation

In a world we’ve been raised

Chased down and erased

It’s a dusty corner of a room

Painted in old photographs

Gathered in an ancient box

With fake smiles and phony laughters

It’s tradition that me must respect

And stand down at the altar

And pray for a good cause like

The ending of the world

And seducing now the Master

Showing rooms from your own temple

Body parts from neck to ankles

You’re excused at least for now

They bought your building and tore it down

And now you’re dust and you don’t matter

For the wind will blow you freely

watch your particles divorce

Like your parents did

Like you felt when you were angry at your mom

For kicking out your dad and clearly

You accused a man of murder for first breaking your heart

Sincerely

You believed in propaganda and stood up for what your dreams were

But they did

In fact

Collapse

On your feet and broke your toes

Now you’re worried bout your nose and

The size your chest’s revealing

Disgrace you brought into the world for your grandma’s sick of this vulgar act you’re putting up against your head

And you always end up smashing it into a wall when you’re home alone and dwell

Onto the things you have only for yourself

Like the thoughts that can’t be shared for

You might speak up

And break the thread

But the world must

And will

Come to an end

How soon is now

I am transparent

I am the air

I am the atmosphere

For i shall inhale what’s present

And exhale it as a past moment

For i shall conquer the laws of physics

And turn into a time machine that holds the power

To stop

To stop and to begin again

I am transparent

I am a void

For i shall evacuate this building

And get rid of every feeling

Of abhorrence and the capacity i have to turn into a slab

Tickle my ego with your heart of a tassel and

Tingle my walls

Does it ring a bell?

Am I making sense?

Is my writing too ambiguous

And do you tangle your tongue and cut it with your canines as you try to read me out loud?

As her, I do write too.

She doesn’t speak my language

And you don’t understand her mother tongue

But do we need to speak if I appear transparent?

I am not transparent I am not a void I am not the wind that blows and bothers the specs of your hair on a late october night

I am October and I raise above her.

Superiority is merely the expression of ignorance , but Lord I am above

Everything I ever write about myself and this malicious past

You have with anybody

And yourself

And I myself.

When you die

lavish freedom

i’m not see through

she ignores my deepest desire

to have her

and a bit of euphoric tangerine dreams that flow in my body especially at night when you all sleep and my heart is awake

between two lungs where i always break the law of body function

and in the morning when i wake i always stay in bed to make my organs properly function

a mold, a scar and a bit of frustration on my face that makes you all dissect my personality and you never understand the temptation that i have to slit the throat of a person who’s trying to break the things i held in

like my body, like myself, like the organs that i hold

I’ve been awake for so long

yet my eyes were shut and my sense of smell grew strong

and this scent of metal won’t go away cause i’m always covered in blood from the things i’ve killed in the past,

like the past itself

and when i run and row a boat and i have these marks of effort on my body i laugh along with all of those who didn’t think i was good at archery

I threw an arrow at the world and it came back to me like a boomerang with fangs that bit my insecurity

that i held in for so long but now

it’s free

i’m free and you’re all just rid of me

Woman in chains

am I?

the question that’s been stuck underneath my tongue

too much?

I’ve been lying all along

I’ve been crying in a corner of a room and I’m claustrophobic

not enough?

I’m the center of attention but I lack compassion

for I scattered all the bits of intimacy i had left

am i too much?

I asked a million times,

perhaps I asked so loud, they didn’t understand me

am I not enough?

perhaps I never said it out loud,

perhaps I lowered my voice and they didn’t hear me

Am I?

I’ve been simultaneously smoking two cigarettes; one’s too smooth and the other’s filterless

I didn’t get the taste

i didn’t get the taste of my words.

I am.

What’s up

Brutality

in words and actions

and in eyes compelling gestures

fractured limbs from pleasure

cruelty flowing through my aorta

casting spells upon my shoulders

bursting into tears while in the middle of love making

why did i do that when I only wanted a massage?

or perhaps a message with a smiley face caressing my whole ego letting me sleep in tender, warm convulsions, body shaking calmness that leads me to lighting up a candle with a soul connection

fuck, or was it a lighter? Think i burned my bangs a little, now I have to cut them, like i cut you, now i can’t get rid of them, like i can’t get rid of you

You’re watching my moves as i stab your aura and it turns into a dust and we’re in a different cluster, for you’re from a world where only you’re the master of seduction and you get affection and i command you to wake up

Wake up, for you look grotesque when you stick your saliva on the pillow and they must never see you dress up for an evening out so you better close the window to your soul

That tiny part where I believed we could work out? You and me? Ferocious and gallant and fragile and longing for comprehension.

You and me in a world we don’t get along, in my head, it won’t be long til you press my chest too hard and i no longer have a heart

for it’s got issues anyway and maybe i’m smoking too much and drinking alone and nothing makes sense anymore.